Roethlisberger Film Fest on Turner Classic Movies

Once upon a time, alleged serial rapists could only hope to darken the TV screen opposite Dateline's Chris Hansen or perhaps on a "Very Special Episode" of Cops.


But now, Turner Classic Movies will follow the example set by the fawning hypocrites of Pittsburgh media by broadcasting a Small Ben Roethlisberger Film Festival this Friday night.

Roethlisberger, who would have been traded to the Chargers if the Rooneys had an ounce of respect for the women of Pittsburgh, will finally get to be one with the Bolts.

It's the role he was born to play. It's like thunder. Lightning. The way he loves you is frightening.

Let's take a look at the lineup:


8 p.m. - The Curse of Roethlisberger - A scientist's attempts to create life unleash a bloodthirsty monster. Ben Roethlisberger, Peter Cushing, Phil Simms.


9:30 p.m. - The Revenge of Roethlisberger - After escaping execution, a mad scientist moves his experiments to a German hospital. Ben Roethlisberger, Peter Cushing, Charles Nelson Reilly.


11:15 p.m. - Roethlisberger Created Woman - Well, it's easier than paying lawyers. Baron Roethlisberger puts a wrongly executed man's brain into a beautiful woman's body. Ben Roethlisberger, Peter Cushing, Cloris Leachman.


1 a.m. - Roethlisberger Must Be Destroyed! - Baron Roethlisberger blackmails a brother and sister into helping him with a brain transplant. Only dashing aristocrat Lord Byron Leftwich can vanquish Roethlisberger. Lord Byron has a strong arm AND realizes "No means no." Ben Roethlisberger, Peter Cushing, Todd Bridges.

NFL Lock of the Year

There are going to be a lot of gamblers that will want to recoup their losses on the Sunday night NBC game by singing a version of Frank's "Chicago is My Kind of Town."

They would be much better off singing "New York, New York."

The line on this game is so curious that it sets off bells and whistles inside me usually reserved for appearances by Christina Hendricks. It's more curious than a monkey that hangs out with men who wear yellow.

The Giants are in such disarray that they should probably not be giving 3.5 points to anyone --let alone the undefeated Bears, who are fresh off an impressive victory over the Green Bay Packers.

Well, those Giants will be in "array" Sunday night. Everyone is preparing for the implosion of this once-proud franchise -- but it will be Jay Cutler working in the Implosion Department Sunday night. He'll think he's still at Vanderbilt.

Give the 3.5 points and take the Giants. The Bears are the "Sucker Bet of the Year." There are Care Bears out there who will show more intensity than Chicago will Sunday night.

These Bears are ready to hibernate and they are going to catch a lot of suckers who do not anticipate their nap on Sunday night. The Blue Men are about to cover the Bears in Pooh!

Pro Football Predictions

Before tonight's clash between Minnesota and New Orleans, Pittsburgh Jones unveils his predictions for the new season.

AFC EAST - New England. It's still a story of a man named Brady. Jets? As Flavor Flav used to say, "Don't Believe the Hype!"

AFC NORTH - Baltimore. Flacco is wacko. Like Jacko. And Boldin is golden! You try to rhyme something with Houzhmandzadeh. If you can, you're a better man than me. As for the Steelers, there's a moral price to pay for continuing to coddle someone who may be a serial rapist. That moral price is called last place.

With regard to the Bengals, you can set your clocks by the inevitable explosion that will occur betweeen VH1 reality stars Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco. Not only will this conflict ruin the Bengals for the year, it may also cause considerable damage to the fight for legalizing gay marriage.

AFC SOUTH - Indianapolis. This is an outstanding division with four very talented teams. The Colts will have plenty of receiving options for Peyton Manning and an underrated defense to hold the leads Manning provides. If the Colts can solidify their rushing game, they will be able to capture the crown in this division. Watch out for Chris Johnson and the Titans, though. They will be a factor.

AFC WEST - San Diego. The only stronger Chargers out there might be Teresa and Joe Giudice from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." The Chargers have the weapons to "Bolt" to the top. Only one man can stop them

And it's not Kyle Orton. San Diego can only lose the title through the ministrations of Tebow.
Did you know Tebow rhymes with Devo? Are we not men? We are Tebow! I like it!

NFC EAST - Washington. There's a wonderful sort of freedom you feel when you get out of Philadelphia. I've felt it. Donovan McNabb will feel it. Shine a light, shine a light!

NFC NORTH - Minnesota. Once the Vikings get Sidney Rice healthy and Brett Favre hits a midseason groove, the Purple Posse will be unstoppable. Mister Rodgers will cool off so much in Green Bay that he will need a cardigan sweater.

NFC SOUTH - Atlanta. This is kind of arbitrary here. I want the Saints to lose. Why? Harry Connick, Jr. is a fan of the Saints and I think he is profoundly creepy. Not to mention that if you hear one of his songs, Sourface Meg Ryan always shows up. I don't want anything to make Mr. Connick happy. Ever.

NFC WEST - Arizona. Derek Anderson is a talented quarterback. He just never had the right weapons around him in Cleveland. He will have that this year with Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Breaston. They are going to have a tough battle with San Francisco, but I think the Cardinals will come out on top.

AFC WILD CARDS - Tennessee, Miami.

NFC WILD CARDS - Green Bay, Dallas.


AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - San Diego defeats Indianapolis.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Minnesota defeats Green Bay.


SUPER BOWL - Minnesota defeats San Diego. Perfect Favre Farewell. Tarkenton is avenged.