Before tonight's clash between Minnesota and New Orleans, Pittsburgh Jones unveils his predictions for the new season.
AFC EAST - New England. It's still a story of a man named Brady. Jets? As Flavor Flav used to say, "Don't Believe the Hype!"
AFC NORTH - Baltimore. Flacco is wacko. Like Jacko. And Boldin is golden! You try to rhyme something with Houzhmandzadeh. If you can, you're a better man than me. As for the Steelers, there's a moral price to pay for continuing to coddle someone who may be a serial rapist. That moral price is called last place.
With regard to the Bengals, you can set your clocks by the inevitable explosion that will occur betweeen VH1 reality stars Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco. Not only will this conflict ruin the Bengals for the year, it may also cause considerable damage to the fight for legalizing gay marriage.
AFC SOUTH - Indianapolis. This is an outstanding division with four very talented teams. The Colts will have plenty of receiving options for Peyton Manning and an underrated defense to hold the leads Manning provides. If the Colts can solidify their rushing game, they will be able to capture the crown in this division. Watch out for Chris Johnson and the Titans, though. They will be a factor.
AFC WEST - San Diego. The only stronger Chargers out there might be Teresa and Joe Giudice from "The Real Housewives of New Jersey." The Chargers have the weapons to "Bolt" to the top. Only one man can stop them
And it's not Kyle Orton. San Diego can only lose the title through the ministrations of Tebow.
Did you know Tebow rhymes with Devo? Are we not men? We are Tebow! I like it!
NFC EAST - Washington. There's a wonderful sort of freedom you feel when you get out of Philadelphia. I've felt it. Donovan McNabb will feel it. Shine a light, shine a light!
NFC NORTH - Minnesota. Once the Vikings get Sidney Rice healthy and Brett Favre hits a midseason groove, the Purple Posse will be unstoppable. Mister Rodgers will cool off so much in Green Bay that he will need a cardigan sweater.
NFC SOUTH - Atlanta. This is kind of arbitrary here. I want the Saints to lose. Why? Harry Connick, Jr. is a fan of the Saints and I think he is profoundly creepy. Not to mention that if you hear one of his songs, Sourface Meg Ryan always shows up. I don't want anything to make Mr. Connick happy. Ever.
NFC WEST - Arizona. Derek Anderson is a talented quarterback. He just never had the right weapons around him in Cleveland. He will have that this year with Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Breaston. They are going to have a tough battle with San Francisco, but I think the Cardinals will come out on top.
AFC WILD CARDS - Tennessee, Miami.
NFC WILD CARDS - Green Bay, Dallas.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP - San Diego defeats Indianapolis.
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP - Minnesota defeats Green Bay.
SUPER BOWL - Minnesota defeats San Diego. Perfect Favre Farewell. Tarkenton is avenged.