English Premier League Season Predictions

Now is the autumn of our content ... made glorious soccer by this sun of ... Stamford Bridge? Old Trafford? Or even White Hart Lane?

The time has come to make my predictions for the English Premier League's 2010-11 season. Since Jason Voorhees will be taking over my computer to write a hockey preview tomorrow, I have to post this now.

I apologize because I have no Casey Kasem, Dick Clark or Solid Gold Dancers to jazz up this countdown.

Carson Daly did apply for the job. I turned him down. But that is not important now.

Onwards, let us march from the kitchen scraps portion of the table to the good silverware that we only use for company.

20. Blackpool - No, this club is not sponsored by BP. But they might as well be. Blackpool will not generate many cheers. Their defense will be unable to plug any holes. Back to the seashore with this lot.

19. West Bromwich Albion - Malcolm McDowell would call this team "The Old In-Out" -- but for a decidedly less bawdy reason.

The WBA squad, which is named after the British version of the Sloppy Joe ("I say old chap, don't just make a sandwich, make a Bromwich."), was relegated two years ago and earned their way back into the league last year.

It's like watching a cheesy Lionel Richie video with bad sculptures in reverse. Goodbye! It's not you we're looking for!

18. West Ham - You know what we do with ham in Pittsburgh? We chip it. West Ham is going to get chipped. Right out of the Premier League.

17. Wigan Athletic - Our old friends, "Uncle Wigan," will probably have to sweat relegation until the last day of the season. This squad is profoundly inconsistent. But they generally have enough "on days" to stave off relegation.

16. Newcastle - This is the only new team in the top division that I feel has the talent and enthusiasm to lengthen their stay in the Premier League. A Monday night tussle with Manchester United in the first week will be very telling for Newcastle.

15. Wolverhampton - The band Los Lobos once asked, "Will the wolf survive?" I say yes. Definitely. With room to spare.

14. Bolton Wanderers - The talented defense of the Wanderers will not be enough to override the lackluster offense of this squad.

Think of it in terms of team namesake Michael Bolton's hair.

No matter how much you got going on in the back, it does not take away from the holes in the front.

13. Blackburn Rovers - Red Rover! Red Rover! Another season in the middle of the pack and then it's over!

12. Stoke City - The Stoke eleven always seem to be able to present a challenge to any team in the Premier League. The top clubs need to take this team seriously and avoid any stumbles that could cause damage to their places in the table. Can Stoke make a legitimate run at the higher spots in the league? No. But can they spoil the dreams of other teams in the league? Absolutely.

11. Birmingham - Rugged. Tough. Fighting until the last second. Birmingham has a squad much like the city they call home. Coming off an impressive finish in their first year back in the Premier League, Birmingham will continue to challenge the top teams this year.

10. Sunderland - Darren Bent is one of the best strikers in the Premier League and it is just a matter of time until he is snatched away by a club with a solid chance to win titles. He cannot do it alone at Sunderland. If this team is going to reap the rewards from Bent's marquee talent -- the time is now.

9. Fulham - I always thought this team sounded like a lawyer at the firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe. But now I can never get past the word "overrated." This squad will never win the big game. They may beat up on the lower-level teams, but the win will not be there when they truly need it. I think ranking them #9 is a gift from me.

8. Everton - The sole purpose of the squad from Everton is to tell me when it is time to get a haircut. Watch them and you will understand that statement. I don't see this team contending in a meaningful fashion, but they will be respectable.

7. Aston Villa - This squad sounds like it is the love child of Ashton Kutcher and Pancho Villa. Which is strangely apropos. Let me explain. They'll steal a few victories ... but eventually they'll be punk'd.

6. Liverpool - Roy Hodgson is the new manager at Liverpool. Remember that old Bangles lyric -- "I'm going down to Liverpool to do nothing." Cue that up on your Ipods, Liverpool haters. It will be Mr. Hodgson's theme song in the very near future.

5. Manchester City - Probably the toughest call in the entire set of opening predictions is between Manchester City and Tottenham Hotspur for fourth place and the final Champions League spot.

The two teams meet in the first week of the season and that match could go a long way towards determining fourth place. Both teams are ready to have a tremendous impact on the Premier League. Which team will take advantage of this opportunity?

4. Tottenham Hotspur - Quite a week ahead for Spurs. A pivotal game against Manchester City in the Premier League followed by a Champions League qualifying match against The Team Who Cannot Be Googled. Robocrouch Powers! Activate!

3. Arsenal - The Arsenal squad could easily top the table in goals scored. But they may give up a lot of goals as well. Despite a questionable defense, Arsenal remains a bigger threat to the top spot than they were last year. If the Gunners catch a few breaks along the way, they could easily win the Premier League.

2. Manchester United - Another Premier League title for United would just about knock the 90210 sideburns off Old Man Giggs. And after a 3-1 pasting of rival Chelsea in Sunday's Community Shield match, a title seems well within reach for the lads of Old Trafford.
United has to avoid the letdowns against inferior clubs that characterized last season, while still rising to the occasion when they play teams like Chelsea and Arsenal.

1. Chelsea - The departure of Michael Ballack to Bayern Leverkusen of the German Bundesliga will hurt last year's Premier League Champions. But the loss of Joe Cole will not. The good news for Chelsea is that the return of Michael Essien and the addition of Yossi Benayoun will provide additional firepower to an already potent offense.

Didier Drogba will look to capture another Golden Boot as Chelsea defends its Premier League and FA Cup crowns. The Champions League title, denied the Blues by eventual champion Internationale Milan, remains a huge goal for Chelsea this season.

Goaltender Petr Cech must stay healthy, because Chelsea cannot win with backup Hilario in the net.

This is going to be a tight three-team race for the Premier League crown. If Chelsea avoids injury and stays mentally tough even against lesser teams, a repeat as champion is certainly within the Blues' reach.

And in 2011-12, look for these teams to be promoted to the Premier League:

1) Leeds United - Known on film as "The Damned United," this squad may be preparing a return to its '70s glory days. The club was promoted from League One last year in a season that was also highlighted by Leeds' stunning elimination of Manchester United in the FA Cup.

2) Hull City - Relegated from the Premier League last year, Hull City should bounce right back this year. This should excite the Housemartins, a British band who are also Hull City supporters. And it will be (sing along please ...) Happy Hour again, and again and again ...

3) Coventry City - Raucous bacchanal in the streets of Coventry not seen since the heyday of Lady Godiva may occur when this team gets promoted to the Premier League.

Just like Jermaine Stewart said, "We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. Uh-Huh. We could dance and party all night and drink some cherry wine ... Uh-Huh."